So a year ago, I began my journey towards what I hoped would see me taking estrogen, and testosterone blockers. And you all know what that means – lovely boobs (hooray!), a bigger bum (yay!), less body hair (bliss!) and everything else.
At the time, I was with my girlfriend Georgie and, despite plenty of reservations and efforts to brush the whole thing under the carpet, she was very supportive and wanted to help me through the whole thing.
As you know if you read the blog a few weeks back, Georgie decided to end our relationship – and life’s been pretty pants ever since. I’m always fairly up and down with my moods anyway due to those imperfect bedfellows depression and anxiety – but the downs have been awful these past few weeks.
The main reasons for leaving me at the time were “the baby thing” and “the trans thing” – in a nutshell I don’t want children and she does, and she’s scared I’ll transition waaaaay beyond my non-binary plans (I won’t).
Since breaking up, she’s thought about the trans thing and is now a lot more cool about the whole issue. But the baby thing is a deal-breaker. So I spent a good couple of weeks reconsidering.
I’d always only really looked at the negatives – being a servant to a little person for years on end, dirty nappies, losing my independence, that godawful screaming they do, that kind of thing.
Instead, I started focusing on the positives – that wonderful bond between a baby and its father, the unconditional love we’d share, looking forward to hearing him/her speak and do all kinds of other things for the very first time – and naturally playing for the local football team.
I spoke to a few people about it and I was really up for it – about 99%. I told Georgie and gave her a “probably”. In reality, I just wanted to talk to her face to face about the positives she was looking forward to. I was all set.
She asked me if I’d delay my HRT for three to five years so that we could work on starting a family (estrogen and sperm aren’t great buddies). I said that was too long – but that I wouldn’t be starting estrogen for at least ten months anyway, so that would give us plenty of time to crack on.
But she thought that I was only saying all this to win her back (definitely partly true) – the “wrong reasons” – and then I discovered that she’d started smoking again, so got thoroughly mardy with her and told her I’d never consider considering having a baby with a smoker.
So that was that. My dreams of happy families were short lived indeed.
And this all got me thinking. While I still want to start HRT so, so badly, should I reconsider now I’m single again? Before, I was with someone who I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Eventually, once my heart has healed, I’m going to have to start thinking about a new partner. And if I’m on HRT – or at least planning to start – that’s going to limit my options rather a lot, because most women aren’t going to be interested in a “guy” who wants boobs, hips and a more feminine face.
When I met Georgie, I had no intentions of going down the HRT route – apart from with phytoestrogens – and we all know how that ended up.
If and when I meet a new lady, it’s going to be different this time. It’s not just the conversation about knickers and nighties I’ll need to have – but the one about breasts and other physical changes, about a lowered libido, about possible impotence, about sterility.
None of which is going to go down well, is it?
Another option is to be up front about the whole thing from the off – maybe via online dating, which I’ve done before, though only in guy mode.
“Hi, I’m Andie, I’m non-binary and transgender, and these are my plans for the next few months, which may result in X, Y and Z.”
Going down that route means that the chances of meeting someone I click with who doesn’t mind all these body tweaks are virtually zero – and of course there’s the risk that someone I know will see my profile, know that it’s me from the picture (a picture is essential on dating sites) and then the cat’s out of the bag, which would be awful.
Neither option appeals to me, needless to say, and yet neither does abandoning my HRT plans which I’ve been so eager about over the past 12 months.
What would you do, folks? Please let me know your thoughts because, the way I see it, I either go for HRT, have this wonderful feminine body with its curves and its softness – but no partner again, ever. Or I keep myself open to dating but always regret not doing what I said I’d do.
Rock, hard place. Help.