So it’s time for an update. Georgie and I finally made it to the counselling centre at our local LGBT+ centre and, to be fair, it went really well. We met a lovely woman, Suzanne, who took our details and gave us all the spiel about confidentiality and what-not.
She explained that we’d see a counsellor, Connor, a week or so later and that he’d then decide the next step – either he could be our counsellor – or he could pass us on to one of his team. The whole thing went really well and Georgie even said “that sounds promising” as we walked away afterwards.
I felt very positive. I don’t anymore. This was on November 8th, and I haven’t seen Georgie since. When we were going out – on these “mate dates” or whatever you want to call them – I always organised them. But I’ve not organised anything for a few weeks – and neither has she. Communication has been virtually nil as well – maybe a Whatsapp message every three or four days or so, but nothing of any consequence.
I went to see Connor on Tuesday this week. The plan was that I’d see him at 4pm and Georgie would see him an hour later. Georgie couldn’t make it, though, and I’m not sure if she’s arranged to see him for her first appointment.
I got a text on Wednesday asking how it went. And it went fine – it was basically lots of questions about depression, anxiety and suchlike. I was told I was rated a zero on the “at risk” score chart, with zero being fine and four being at serious risk of suicide/self-harm. I dunno, I don’t feel like I need counselling to deal with any demons – it’s supposed to be relationship counselling, but I guess that would come later.
Anyway, I asked Georgie if she still wanted to go through with the counselling as she’d not really said anything about it and hadn’t made any positive noises about it since that first meeting there. She said “I owe it to you to give it a try”. But I don’t want her to go for relationship counselling because she owes me anything – I want her to go because she loves me and wants me back. And I’m not getting that impression at the moment at all.
If I’m being honest, my enthusiasm has waned, too. If she was really enthusiastic, all would be fine, but she’s not. To be fair to her, she’s suffering from SAD, so it’s hard to be enthusiastic about anything when you’re feeling depressed.
I spoke to Miss Joanne, my ballet teacher, about this on Thursday. Her partner of six years has told her he’s not sure if they should carry on their relationship – he’d been having second thoughts and serious doubts. He’d since changed his mind, he said, and had been buying her all the flowers.
But Miss Joanne said something along the lines of: why would I want to be with anyone who has doubts about us? I’ll always be wondering if he wants to be with me.
And that really hit home with me. Why would I want to be with someone unless they loved me 100% and really wanted to be with me, trans warts and all?
Then I met a friend – an amazing lady who’s beautiful inside and out – on Friday (yesterday) and spent four hours with her, just drinking tea, telling each other stories and chatting. I felt really pampered and there was a lot of love from her towards me. I realised I’d not got that love from Georgie for a long time and had really been missing it. I even wanted to ask this lady on a date there and then, but I didn’t.
Not heard from Georgie for three days now. No idea if she’s arranged her session with Connor or not. I understand why she’s being cold towards me – she doesn’t want to give me false hope, she’s told me that. But because I’m not getting any love from her now, it just leaves me thinking she’s moved on and this isn’t going to work out.
We’re just two people with our lives in limbo. Apart from seeing my friend yesterday, it’s been a really rubbish past couple of weeks.