The killing of Georgie

Rod Stewart song title – seems appropriate as Georgie’s a big fan – she never did have any taste in music. So it’s all over now – not a shred of hope left anymore, counselling tried and failed. I’ve lost my partner and my best friend – and all because I’m transgender.

I saw Georgie last night for the fist time in weeks. January 31st was the fourth anniversary of the two of us meeting. I sent her a message to say “happy anniversary” but got nothing back.

Then, last night, we went for dinner. And for 90% of the evening, it was great. She looked amazing, she’d lost some weight, the spark was still there, crackling away in the background, the conversation was free and easy, and it flowed as it always does.

We chatted about all sorts – and then got on to the relationship counselling. She’d had three sessions – “not much to tell really” – and said that Connor and now done with her and wanted to see me. She’d also confided in one of her friends about the whole situation. No problem there – I’d told her she could.

And then, towards the end of the evening, when all the other diners had left the restaurant, she dropped the bombshell.

I’d asked her if she felt better – as if a weight had been lifted – for going for the counselling and for talking to her friend – and she just said she did feel better, but only because we’d split up. Oh. Great. Thanks for that.

I asked her if that was it then – and yep, that was it. She said she’d given the counselling a go but it hadn’t changed how she felt about me being trans – it was too much for her to deal with.

So then we just sort of sat there, feeling more and more comfortable and wanting to go home. The car ride home was awful – neither of us knowing what to say. She kept saying “sorry”.

She also bizarrely insisted I should still go for my counselling. What on earth is the point of that?! The whole idea was that it might get us back together – but it hasn’t, has it?! I don’t need counselling because I’m trans – being trans is NOT A PROBLEM – unless you make it a problem.

Then back at my place, no hug goodbye. No cheery chatter or “see you soon”. No hopes of reconciliation anymore, no moving back in together, no white wedding, no babies, no growing old together, nothing.

And then I texted her and said I don’t want to be friends. I just can’t do it. I feel like I’ve completely wasted seven months of my life. It’s been awful, so depressing. I tried to be friends after we broke up but I always wanted more – and it always felt like we were dating again when we were together.

She wrote back:

I understand but don’t like it! ☹ But I have to respect what you want and need. If you ever, ever need anything, I’ll always be here. G xxx

What I want! FFS, it’s the last thing I want. What I want is to spend the rest of my life with you, you silly girl! You can’t kill Bambi twice and think it’s OK.

Yes, I know that staying with a partner who’s transgender can be tough – and yet there are millions of couples out there who do just that.

And why do they do that? Because they f*cking love each other, that’s why! Surely LOVE has got to mean something here. WE STILL LOVE EACH OTHER!!! Surely it’s more important than leaving someone because they might get a bit curvier?!

I can’t not do the HRT thing now – and Georgie wouldn’t want me to anyway. She wants me to be true to myself, and I will be.

Part of me wishes she’d spoken to a friend who was more, shall we say, “trans aware”. The woman she did choose is lovely – but she’s a massive prude and I can imagine how shocked and horrified she’d be when she heard the news.

I also wish Georgie had read the books I bought her, or even read this blog, to educate herself more – maybe then she’d realise there’s not that much to be afraid of.

But she didn’t. She just buried her head in the sand and let the problem become bigger and bigger and bigger – until it eventually split us up and has now ended our friendship, too.

I’m crying – bloody again! – now as I write this. I am going to miss her so, so, so much. I’ve never loved anyone like that before, never met anyone so kind and easy to talk to. And now she’s gone forever.

Speaking of the blog, I checked the visitor stats at about 1.30am this morning. There was a massive spike – one visitor from the UK, but loads of page views, mostly posts about you-know-who. It was her – she’d finally visited the blog, but months too late.

And now I’m all alone. I have my amazing friends, but I want and need a loving partner. I want Georgie.

Goodbye, my lover. Goodbye, my friend.

Andie xxx

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16 thoughts on “The killing of Georgie

  1. im sorry. today i saw my ex-gf from last year for the first time in months, quite by chance. ive had other “encounters” with the opposite sex after that (im more or less bi, more or less straight-leaning, and also happy to date trans women–amab– or even afab2m, though amab2f is usually going to be a stronger attraction) but nothing that quite ended up as a relationship. im a relationship kind of guy, so thats disappointing.

    before i moved here, i was with someone for about 3 years, and that was like a second marriage. we broke up once, got back together once, i wish that had worked out. never going to stop loving her. like i said, im sorry. i really honestly hope youre going to find all the love you deserve. ❤ and i understand, you didnt just want love– you wanted her– dont i know it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. Yeah, I’m attracted to women, whether cis or trans, whatever their genitalia. Unlike Georgie, I don’t think things like that really matter. I used to, but not anymore.

      I’ve often asked myself how I’d feel if we were still together and she said she wanted to start taking testosterone injections. I’d be a little wary but I honestly believe I’d want to stick by her. I was always the far more girly of us both anyway.

      Ah well, life’s a bitch, eh? Thank you for your lovely message – much appreciated. x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. i often share a song or youtube video in situations like this. dont hesitate to delete it if it has no appeal to you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6exsatE-DUk

    as to the selection, its usually just the first music or words that i think of. this ones a little bit bitter, but kind of melancholy with some obvious regret. i listen to many things: http://tinyurl.com/trenet-la-mer i sang that with the woman of my dreams (who says she loves me, but i know she will never be mine) by a river last year, while she leaned in to read the words from my laptop. (neither of us speak french.) this year, we kissed outside a friends house in the snow. but that was a one-time kind of thing, almost a sort of kiss goodbye. cheers.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bless you. That second song is beautiful – I’d love to dance ballet to that. I once had a friend who I was besotted with for years. She’s married with a child now, and it was a long time ago. But she’ll always be one of my best friends.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. i realize its women youre into, but id be thrilled to watch you dance to that song regardless. i dont think gender is a useless concept– i think its very oversimplified in our culture, and just cant account for real people, real feelings, or real tendencies. its a sort of fundamentalist take on things, like “youre either with us or against us.” the philosophy of the masses is so weak and so limited. its nice to watch it grow even slightly, but its so incredibly slow.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know, but it’s what 99.9% of people are brought up with, so trans people don’t really stand a chance, do we?

      Georgie said she was fine with the clothes – but that it was the physical changes she was scared about.

      But I was already having my eyebrows done we met, and IPL on my underarms. She hated the idea of laser on my beard – but then loved it when she saw the results. I’d always shaved everywhere else.

      Which leaves estrogen, which will make me curvier and probably create a tiny bust. She worries about what people will think – but doesn’t realise that it can all be hidden. I’m not gonna be flouncing down the high street in a chiffon frock and heels.

      She says I might want to become transsexual in the future but doesn’t understand that transsexuals have a massive YEARNING to become the opposite sex. I just don’t have that and never have. Gender’s on a frickin’ spectrum – you don’t have to be at one end or the other. You can be in the middle. I’m proud to say I’m in the middle, although more female than male.

      Which leaves what she thinks about me, how she’d deal with those curves. When you really break it down, they’re just curves. She’s got curves! Why not spread the curve love?

      Who’s got a perfect body anyway?

      Like

      • “Which leaves estrogen, which will make me curvier and probably create a tiny bust. She worries about what people will think – but doesn’t realise that it can all be hidden. I’m not gonna be flouncing down the high street in a chiffon frock and heels.”

        i admit, i hadnt even thought about how you can change appearances in the other direction when you want or need to. ive seen every gender with curves, curves are like nipples– theyre already on men, theyre just not as easily noticed and no one makes a big deal out of them until theyre huge.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh Andie?!

    Really feel for you. I thought that with Georgie’s willingness to go for the counselling things were going to work themselves out for the better.

    It’s a loss that you feel you cannot be friends but I can see how you would find it difficult having invested so much emotionally into your relationship.

    I know you may not want to hear this but I’m going to say it anyway because I hope you may understand where I’m coming from. Georgie may have a reason for you going to the remaining counselling sessions. It may help you deal with breaking up. It may also help you remain friends whilst accepting that ‘friends’ is as far as it goes.

    In any case, you’re a good person & I really think you’re gonna get through ok in the long run.

    Love n hugs Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Shaz. I’m not going for counselling, though. The only thing that will help me get over Georgie will be by not being in touch with her again. I’ve never stayed in touch with exes as friends before – I tried it this time and just ended up falling for her all over again, except ten times harder than the first time.

      Also, she sees my transition as a problem, whereas the friends I’ve told, without exception – even the male ones – see it only as a positive. I need to surround myself with people who are supportive and see me evolving into something better than I am now. I don’t need any negativity. I am not a freak.

      Thanks again for all your support, hun.

      Andie xxx

      Like

    • Thanks Laura, but I have never been controlling – and I really resent people who are. There has been loads on the blog about seeing all this from Georgie’s point of view, albeit not in this one post.

      Like

  5. Wow. Andie, controlling? Kind? Yes. Considerate? Definitely. Tolerant? Always. Funny? Yep. Loyal? totally. Caring? Absolutely. Controlling? No way! I’d snap him up as my partner in a heartbeat – if I wasn’t a closet dyke myself! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  6. […] I’ve not been in touch with Georgie for about a month, but I still think of her all the time, every day. And I dreamed of her last night. When does this start to get easier?Regrets, I’ve had a few, but none like this one. Obviously, I regret breaking up in the first place – even though that wasn’t my decision. But I also regret how we parted. […]

    Like

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