At rock bottom

I know I sound like I’m constantly whinging about how unhappy I am of late – and I’m sorry to my lovely band of readers for that. But I do find it cathartic to write things down and, hey, the only way is up now, right?

So 2017 has started in pretty much the same way as 2016 finished, except worse because now there’s no hope in terms of Georgie and me.

I can’t stop thinking about her. I keep wondering if I’ve done the right thing by telling her I don’t want to be “just good friends” – am I being too stubborn?

But I also know that if I kept seeing her every week or two as mates, I’d just feel awful because I’d want so much more than friendship.

So, catch 22. I’m an all-or-nothing kind of person. I can’t have it all, so that means I choose nothing. Hardest decision of my life, and I’ve no idea if it’s the right one.

And loads of other stuff has gone wrong over the past two or three weeks. The main one was that I crashed my car. It was completely my fault, but no-one was injured thankfully.

But it made a mess of the other person’s car, and it now turns out it’s a write-off. Add to that the fact that I had no insurance! I thought I had, but it had expired and, despite my insurance company insisting they told me it had been cancelled, I had no idea.

So that’s looking like a bill of more than £7,000, unless the Financial Ombudsman will find in my favour. Complaint ongoing. At least the police are on my side and won’t charge me with driving without insurance.

Work’s been pretty stressful. I had a deadline on Tuesday and, although I made it, there was shedloads of work to do to get there. At least that’s done now.

I was attacked by a bouncer at a bar three weeks ago. I admit I was being a drunken idiot – dancing on a chair – but I still didn’t deserve to be manhandled out of the place and thrown into the street. I wasn’t being agressive – just merry.

Me being me, a campaigner for truth and justice, I went back into complain, and the idiot threw me out again – except with even more force this time. So that’s been reported to the cops as well, and my shoulder’s still really painful.

So all this, plus drinking more than I should, has meant my depression has been crippling the past few weeks. I’m worn out and appear to have developed some kind of virus. The past few mornings, I’ve woken to a wet bed – only from sweat – but even so, not good. Gross, in fact.

Even ballet can’t cheer me up. I feel I’ve gone backwards since the end of last year, when I was getting better and better.

But I missed last week due to work – and missed about three or four weeks over the Christmas and new year period due to Miss Joanne leaving and the school being closed.

I’ve just got in from class, and I feel like I’m wasting my time at the moment. I should have been doing my first exam this month – but now that could be October because I’m just not ready.

I’ve been doing the same exercises for months and, while I’m nailing some of them, others I’m making the same mistakes in week after week.

With the more advanced centre work, I’m just rubbish. My poor memory is letting me down big-time and I can’t remember the steps.

Miss Anna, my teacher, is being really encouraging and patient. It’s completely my fault, I can’t blame her.

I know the only way to get better is to practise – but I’ve just not had time of late, and feeling so down means I really don’t feel like it.

So I stumble into the studio each Friday and bounce about with all the grace of a baby elephant.

And that’s another thing. My diet’s gone horribly wrong. I’ve not been cycling much lately because of the cold and being so busy. So I’ve put on about 10lb since last October. Couldn’t even wear my leotard and tights today because I’m so FAT!

I should have been doing a long bike ride tomorrow, but I’ve just cancelled. My shoulder could make it agony – and if I have got a virus, doing 120km will kill me. I’ve been there before. Did one ride and I had to stop after four miles because I was virtually throwing up.

So I now have four days after today with absolutely nothing in the diary. I’m going to try to just relax, read, watch films and have some “me time” – without booze. Hopefully that will make me feel better, and happier.

Sorry if this post has depressed you, dear reader! But my life’s not all pretty lace and makeup tutorials.

When I chose the “pas de deux” name for this blog, that was deliberate. It basically means a dance with two people. In my case, I often feel like I’m two people – the male one and the female one, the sad one and the happy one.

Dancing away as non-binary, spinning like an out-of-control pirouette sometimes, trying to bring both halves together and to create some balance and harmony. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get there.

Andie xxx

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