I dreamed of you last night…

jar-of-hearts-jpgI’ve not been in touch with Georgie for about a month, but I still think of her all the time, every day. And I dreamed of her last night. When does this start to get easier?

Regrets, I’ve had a few, but none like this one. Obviously, I regret breaking up in the first place – even though that wasn’t my decision. But I also regret how we parted.

I just left her car, wounded, because she’d told me it was all over. No hugs, barely any words. She wanted to stay friends but I said later on Whatsapp that I couldn’t be – because I would always want more. And how would I react when she found someone new?

I’d said all this before, but this time I really meant it. But I feel like we never got a chance to say goodbye properly – and that really hurts. How can you have closure with no goodbye?

card-crush-greetings-dandelion-stationery-love-and-cuddles-ww242-510x600
Love, love, love this card

You hear of people ending relationships by text message. This was hardly that – the relationship was already over – but maybe I did the same thing, only with friendship.

I’d love to be friends with her and I miss her every second, but how can I be when I want so much more?

I tried the “just good friends” thing after we first broke up in the summer. It seemed to be going OK at first – but then I just fell in love with her all over again, ten times harder than before.

I really miss her. I miss hearing her news, even if it was fairly mundane sometimes – like what she’d been up to at work or just how her day had gone.

My mum and dad saw her a couple of weeks ago and had a chat with her – about her new house and suchlike. She even invited them round for coffee. What I’d give for a coffee with her.

I spent most of last week tidying my house ahead of my makeup party – and I kept finding things of hers – a couple of red candles with matching holders that someone gave her for Christmas.

And loads of cards, from birthday, Christmas and Valentine’s cards to little ones written just to let me know how much she loved me.

Some were written during rocky patches – patches that every couple have – and the messages were written with such love and told how we’d ride through the dark times and emerge out of the other side stronger for them.

One card had a picture of a jar of hearts on the front (see picture).

Inside, she’d written:

This my jar of extra special love that I was saving for a rainy day. Today has been a little stormy and I thought you could do with some extra love to maybe put a smile back on your face. I love you lots and I hope we can ride this storm together, knowing there will be lots and lots more jars of love once we get to the other side.

Hugs, kisses, cuddles and love always,

Georgie xxx

Shit, that really makes my heart hurt, reading that now. Stop crying, stop crying.

What a beautiful thing to write – such care, sensitivity, empathy, pure love, though I don’t remember what was happening at the time she wrote it. I miss her and love her more than ever. No idea how to move on.

Anyway, I dreamed of her last night. I don’t remember much about it except that we were in a shop and she said she wanted me back. She had that amazing confidence about her, we kissed and I was, of course, so happy.

Screen Shot 2013-03-28 at 10.07.29 AM.pngBut there was a proviso – she wanted me back, but only if I’d allow her to see other people – and by that I mean other women.

Now Georgie’s not bisexual and has never shown any interest in other women – maybe I’d actually stand a chance with “the trans thing” if she was!

There was also a sexual context, which I don’t want to go into on here really, but it did involve her dominating me. And that kinda pushes my buttons anyway.

So I’ve no idea what it was all about. My first reaction in the dream was that I’d rather have her all to myself – but that didn’t last long.

Then I just thought: she wants me back, but she wants to explore a different side of her, too. You go for it, girl.

Andie xxx

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