Well, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself when I wrote my last blog entry – but I’m feeling really, really happy right now. Everything’s awesome – and here’s why.
Regular readers will know I suffer with the old depression and anxiety – my very own Black Dog. It’s all under control now and I’m far better than I was 20 years ago. But I still get the Mean Reds, as Holly Golightly called them, now and then.
But that’s OK. Having periods of being depressed means that, when I do feel happy, I feel REALLY happy, so I make the most of it – and I want to shout about it.
So I’m sitting in the sunshine writing this, and drinking coffee. I’ve just been out for lunch with Caroline, my dear friend, and we had a great time. We only meet up every few months or so but we get on like a house on fire when we do.
She’s one of those friends to whom you can tell anything – and that goes both ways. Naturally, to spare her blushes, I won’t repeat the story about her dog falling asleep on her vibrator under the bed here. I assume it was switched off…
She also bought me an awesome eyeshadow set as a gift. I love it!
I saw another pal, Rachel, last week for dinner. She’s a cherub, too. I really, really, really love my friends – I can chat to them for hours, and 95% of them are female. Funny that, eh?!
I’ve also revealed “les secrete” to another friend. Let’s call her Annie. I met her at Slimming World and we’ve been chatting on Facebook Messenger for a few days now.
She’s oodles of fun, oozes confidence and is really smart, funny and just full of energy. She’s going on a first date as I write this – I hope he’s good enough for her!
Anyway, I’m surrounded by beautiful people who know that I’m trans – and, as I said to Annie the other day, that don’t just tolerate it – they embrace it.
So it’s not all “Hey, Andie, it’s fine that you’re trans – we still love you anyway, despite that” – they see it as a positive, which I do, too.
As I’ve said so many times, I see being transgender as a gift. I wouldn’t want to be any other way. And my friends seem to agree – they see it as a positive, something to be celebrated, rather than just tolerated. It’s a fantastic difference of rainbow-like colour – I could never be “normal”, which to me equals boring and beige.
My friends all have so many questions to ask about the whole process – and just want to be there for me, supporting me. I know that, if I do get any stick in the future over being trans, they’ll be right behind me.
I’m feeling more confident about the ballet thing I posted about last time, now that we’ve restructured what we’re doing after my meltdown in the studio on Friday.
I wrote to Miss Anna earlier, asking if we could skip next week’s lesson – I just want to have a week off, especially now my work assignment is finished – and recharge my batteries.
She wrote back to say that was fine and…
You need to remember that you are totally fabulous and I admire you for just being yourself! Please don’t feel disheartened from Friday’s lesson, because an amazing plan and a pathway we are going to follow for your dance journey, is one we are going to travel together and it came out of your “disaster”! Big smiles and hugs! xxx
She’s awesome! Someone else who doesn’t just let me be myself but positively encourages it.
I saw Georgie for the first time in a few months this week. She popped round to collect some summer clothes she’d left in my suitcase. That went really well.
It was lovely to see her and catch up – but those “How am I supposed to live without you?” feelings were far away. I think I finally have closure. It’s only taken nearly a year!
I have my first appointment at the gender clinic in less than ten days’ time – and although I’m nervous about it, I’m just so excited and can’t wait to get the ball rolling.
And Slimming World continues to go really well. I’m completely “on it” as we members say, and have got my weight down to 1lb below my previous PB, which I got last October. I’m 4.5lb off my 4st award. Bring it on!
Weight loss aside, I just love the social element of my weekly meetings. I love to see how everyone else has got on – I want them all to do so well. I empathise when they’ve had a bad week, because I’ve had plenty myself.
And there are now six people there who know about the fact that I’m trans, the latest of whom are Annie and (let’s call her) Phillipa. I’m seeing Annie for drinks on Tuesday night and really, really looking forward to it.
So there you go – a few reasons why I’m feeling more positive about the future. Reasons to be cheerful!