Hmmm, spoke too soon about the parents…

Just got off the phone to my sister – and it appears there are major concerns about my transition from my parents – and my brother-in-law. Great!

I’d spoken to my dad earlier. He sounded very chirpy and invited me to lunch with him and my mum. He didn’t mention trans issues but I just said I’d love to join them and that we could have a chat. Got off the phone feeling very happy.

And then my sister just called – she saw them earlier today. And it appears that my parents and brother-in-law, who were initially supportive and positive, now have something of a wobble.

This kind of thing…

  • Is it a phase? Like when you were a vegan before for two years.
  • Dad doesn’t want to stand with you at the football if you’re “dressed as a woman”.
  • What will you wear in front of the girls (my nieces)?
  • What will you wear on Christmas Day, in front of the inlaws?
  • You didn’t play with girls’ toys as a child (I did, actually!)
  • You shouldn’t be taking estrogen after you’ve had DVT.
  • They’d rather you didn’t do this.

So yeah, I know I’ve got to accept that it’s going to take them a long time to understand what’s happening. As my sis says, I’ve had decades to get my head around this – they’ve had a few days.

But this is what I was fearing – just a big, long list of negatives, and not a single positive. Hey, forget that Andie wants to feel better in HER own skin – WHAT WILL OTHER PEOPLE THINK IF HE DRESSES LIKE A WOMAN?!

Fuck other people! If they can’t handle it, it’s tough shit. As I’ve said on this blog a million times, the reaction from people so far has been magical. I know there will be the occasional bigot who has issues, but I can’t just pop this “trans thing” back in its little box and go back to being an unhappy bloke just because they’d feel more comfortable that way.

Is it a phase? Jeez, yeah, I was a vegan for two years – but I was a shit vegan. It was only an attempt to lose weight. I tried to get into the animal welfare side of it, but it was all about weight loss. Of course it’s not a bloody phase!!!

Dad doesn’t want to stand with you at football if you’re “dressed as a woman”. I can sympathise with this one. There are some arseholes at the football and I wouldn’t want him feeling bad there. But will I be wearing a dress? Er, no. I’ll wear jeans and T-shirt like I’ve always done. Also, “dressed as a woman”? You’re still seeing me as a man. I’M NOT A FUCKING MAN!

What will you wear in front of the girls? Kids are fine about this kind of stuff. It’s only narrow-minded parents who aren’t. Their dad once threatened to kick out his daughter if she turned out to be a lesbian. And he meant it. I’ve never forgiven him for that. I’d hoped we’d made some headway on this, but clearly not.

What will you wear on Christmas Day, in front of the inlaws? I’ll wear what the hell I like in front of people I see once a year. If they’re bigots, it’s their problem.

You didn’t play with girls’ toys as a child… Maybe if you’d bought me some, I’d have played with them. Every Christmas, and every time it was my sister’s birthday, I was insanely jealous of her gifts. And I spent hours playing with my sister’s Sindy dolls. I even made clothes for them. But that was in secret. I didn’t play with her other stuff because to do so would have caused fucking uproar!

You shouldn’t be taking estrogen after you’ve had DVT. A valid concern, this one, but all this will be done through the gender clinic and will involve an endocrinologist and shit-loads of tests. I’ll be fine!

They’d rather you didn’t do this. Well, very sorry but not doing this when I’ve come so far is simply not an option anymore. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life (well, was, until now). No going back. Not now, not ever.

And to make matters even worse, my sister feels like “piggy in the middle” and says the whole family are bickering with each other.

Why can’t they see this like I do, and like my friends do, as a bloody great big positive – and to hell with what a tiny minority of bigots might think?

NOT HAPPY!

Andie xxx

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7 thoughts on “Hmmm, spoke too soon about the parents…

  1. if it helps, i used to not understand it either. i mean, i did well before you and i met– there were many years where i felt i was supportive, but i didnt quite “get it.” i *really* wanted to! but i didnt. and i felt i was lying if i pretended that i did.

    those days are behind, but its obvious theyre not there. i would say “try not to take it personally,” but thats impossible. i would say “give it time,” but you have no choice. if you want any hope of them ever understanding, it will take time. for now, you just have to live your life. as andie of course, because youve spent enough of your life being someone else. ❤

    if you wonder what changed it for me, it was my friend. i always knew him as a guy. he was afab, but i never knew him as afab. i just knew him as a friend of mine. it helped that he passed, and he passed like a boss! but when he did come out to me, i had a choice– cause i wasnt angry at him anything. did i decide (against his wishes) that someone that TO ME was always a guy, was somehow NOT a guy? or did i just accept what i knew– that he was a dude? i just accepted it. i thought it would be more complicated. and before that, it was. im sorry (for you) that its so difficult (for them.) they dont get it. perhaps that will change. ❤ i hope so.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sound advice. Remember you’ve pulled the rug from under 43 years of shared history, and asking them to reconsider everything they thought to be true. It will take time, and it’s good (honest!) that they’re expressing these concerns openly and not simply cutting you off. I have a friend who may be able to help you if you’re interested, although I’m sure you have lots of support from people who’ve been in the same situation. Just let me know

      Liked by 2 people

  2. if you want advice, id just give them some time. i doubt theyre going to be really listening, or very rational right now. so making more sense than they do probably wont help.

    if you dont want advice, i suppose you could delete the comment. you know i think youre great, and i certainly dont want to pry. cheers, stand tall.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks Codey and Soupy. I met them both for lunch today and it went really well. My mum is clearly having far more issues about all this than my dad. She got a bit teary at one point – whereas he was far more accepting than I thought he might be. I shall blog about it properly later, but safe to say it’s not as bad as I thought – and will probably all be OK “in the end”.

    Like

  4. Speaking as a mother, when we give birth we (rightly) believe we have created perfection. Even many years later, any modification – tattoo, piercing eg – can be seen as a blight on our ‘perfect’ creation. From their point of view, your parents created you – and thought they’d done a pretty good job. Now you’re taking their ‘gift’ and changing it… by adding tits. They may feel that they’ve tried to do their best for you, but that it wasn’t good enough – it’s nonsense, of course, but that’s parental guilt for you, it can be irrational. It’s only natural that it will take time for them to accept the new normal. Might be best if they address any concerns directly to you rather than via your sister, as things can easily get misconstrued when a message is passed on. Also, will help your sister as she won’t have to feel like a go-between. They’re doing their best, and you’ve made great progress – keep it up.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Think everyone’s given you the best advice Andie, and echoing what Soupdragon has said re your sister, it might be good for her to tell your parents she doesn’t wish to be a go-between.

    If it’s any consolation my parents are no better. Whereas my mum is able to discuss & accept it unlike my dad, she doesn’t get it. Neither of them do.

    You’re all still together which is the main thing. I’m really sorry you are experiencing this but am sure it’ll get better.

    💜 & Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

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